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I am Jack's rant on adult toys.

Apr. 24th, 2008 | 10:59 am

 Last night, Marla and I had a good round of shagging. It was the first time in a while, and I was horny all day, for some reason, and she happened to be randy as well. We gave an impressive show, and went to bed feeling pretty cozy, I must say. 

The next morning, that is to say, this morning, my buzzer went off, and I reached up to switch it off when my hand bumped something, and an object on the headboard fell and knocked me right proper on the bridge of my nose. Stung a bit, that. I feel around, and grab the object in question to have a look, and it's Marla's neon pink DILDO. Yes, we sometimes use toys in our love makings, for variety, and this one smacked me in the beak. Marla was sleeping the sleep of the dead, and so she missed the incident, though the incident didn't miss me. 

I'm all for toys in the bed, because it's as I have always said, "If you are going to go to war, it's best to bring your arsenal." Only my weapon of choice happens to be neon pink, and some form of rubber, or silicon. Still, the principal is the same. If a person wants to defeat their opponent, then that person must bring to bear all the weapons at their disposal. In the case of a good shag, that might include dongs, vibrators, cock rings, ball gags, elbow length rubber gloves, and the old yet reliable, straight jacket. "If she's not moaning loud enough, stick another vibrator up her bum" I always say. 

Let the good war continue.

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I am Jack's rant on sinners.

Apr. 18th, 2008 | 10:08 am

Just now, I was at a convenience store, buying coffee and a paper, and ahead of me are two two women. Druggie types. One is old, and haggard, and nasty. The other is younger, and is also worn out looking, but has got an amazing body. Rocking bod. Behind me, is this old bushy bearded bum holding a stack of canned soup, and he's mumbling. "Those woman are sinners. If you believe the bible, those women are sinners. Whores. Sinners." Etcetera, etcetera, you get the idea. They walk out, not having noticed his mumbling, but the first thing that came into my head was, "hurry and ring me up, so I can catch up to those women!"

I love sinners. Hell, I'm trying hard to become one. How boring is a life without sin, I ask you? Snoresville. That's one angle of Heaven I've never understood. Life without sin, pure as the driven snow. Life without kinky sex, porn, and drugs if that's your thing. Nothing to do but chant and be content? Heaven sounds like Hell to me. I know no one who would enjoy that lifestyle, nor would I WANT to know anyone who enjoys that lifestyle. Keep on YOUR side of the fence, please. Would you want to live in, say, a Catholic convent? Forever? I would guess that anyone who reads this would answer no, as I did. That's my impression of Heaven. I'll bet Hell is not like so called "experts" on religion would say it is, either. Hell is a party town, with lots of hookers, drugs, porn shops, bars, and sex clubs. Sure, you have to watch your back, and there will probably be disease and pestilence there as well, but hey, that's no worse then any major city's downtown at night, anyway. Come on down, sinner, and party up. The beer is warm, and the air is hot, but so is the nightlife, and the girls are hotter.

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I am Jack's rant on road rage.

Apr. 18th, 2008 | 08:25 am

Have you ever experienced road rage?
Yes, most definitely I have. I don't know how many times I've sworn off driving, before I get the urge to kill. I mean, beyond the normal urge to kill that I feel for others every day. That's why I wish to move outside a city, so that I can deal with less traffic the majority of the time. 

I've never done anything out of rage yet, beyond flipping someone off, or cursing like a sailor at others, who can't even hear me, I'm sure, but bloody hell do I want to, on occasion. It would be a perfect time for a Human Sacrifice, Fight Club style. A gun in their face would help them to feel alive afterwards, and they would be mindful in the future about cutting someone else off. You could be sure of that.

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I am Jack's rant on some differences between the parties.

Mar. 27th, 2008 | 07:46 am

Republicans have children who embarrass them. 

Democrats embarrass themselves.

Bill Clinton, the exploits of John F. Kennedy, these things were an embarrassment and a bad reflection on the U.S. as a country when dealing with leaders of more conservative nations.

Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush, and, one could argue, George Bush Sr., they have children that embarrass or embarrassed them. Which is worse? Showing your own failings, or showing your failings through your children?

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I am Jack's rant on crooked politicians

Mar. 13th, 2008 | 02:35 pm

Do you think that Gov. Eliot Spitzer did the right thing by resigning his post due to his involvement with a prostitution ring?
99% of politicians are more cooked than a Rocky Mountain creek. They never answer a question straight. They'd rather start commities than actually solve anything. That's why seeing them go down for a crime is extra sweet. For me, this case is not quite that black and white, as I feel that prostitution should be legalized. Were the women is this ring working against their will? Were they hurt? If not, then I've got no ill will against the man. If so, HANG him. That said, it was probably the right idea to resign, no matter what the circumstances. He had sworn an oath to uphold the law, and as of now, it is illegal. He should be legally acountable, and resigning should only be the start of it.

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I am Jack's rant on Valentine's Day

Feb. 15th, 2008 | 12:52 pm

I could go so in so many directions with this. The origins, and how it was a pagan holiday taken over and re-vamped by Christians. The story of the saint on which the name is taken. Maybe even what it means to me, or how I spent mine. Instead, I will talk about what I usually end up talking about, how corporations have hijacked the holiday from the Christians, that in turn had hijacked it from the pagans, that had probably hijacked it from some poor farmers, who probably had yet another day to celebrate the "fertile" lands. Everything traces back to agriculture, if you look far enough in the past. Sometimes I wish it still did today. I would gladly give up my Television, and fashionable clothes, if it meant a community relaxing around a common fire after a hard day's work. anyway, I've gone askew of my topic. I know, shocker. I was going to talk about how the marketing world has sold all of us idiots on this need to buy things on certain days, and on this certain day, it's candy, and flowers, and especially JEWELRY. A man, it seems, is a no account dog if he doesn't buy his woman a diamond or emerald on February the 14th. Why is that, do you think? Because the jewelry companies have deemed it so. Intelligent people buy diamonds every day. They hear about atrocities in the diamond mines of Africa, and they say, "oh, that's horrible, that's awful, well, I'm sure that's just a small percentage of where diamonds come from". Well guess what, it's not. Almost ALL diamonds come from those horrible, bloody mines in Africa. The ones your jeweler says he bought in Thailand? Got there from Africa. That's like buying your petrol, and hoping that it was derived from Alaskan oil, and not the Middle East. Hope is all it is, because the reality is, is that it IS Middle Eastern oil, and that it IS African diamonds. To assume otherwise is blindness. And the only reason you're even looking to buy the damned thing, which does nothing useful whatsoever, outside of putting it's dust on cutting tools, is because years ago, Hallmark, and other companies started telling your parents or grandparents that they needed to buy them in order to Keep Up With The Joneses. Well, FUCK the Joneses, because you shouldn't have to spend hard earned money on that shite, while your kid needs braces, and your car has a knock in it, and your home needs the bathroom remodeled. You don't, bloody, need it. And flowers? How the hell did we end up buying all of this useless shite? I wear a Tee shirt, jeans, and shoes, because that's what I need. I don't spend 200 dollars on something that I can buy for 15 bucks, just because some bloody magazine tells me that other people are. I want to keep up with other people, don't I? Other people are getting chest waxed, but you don't see me running out there to do that, either. To hell with other people. Don't be a sheep, people. To any ladies out there, why do you need jewelry? It's not even to attract a man. It's to impress other women. As it is with botox, the latest in fashion, and that bulimia that you're trying for the Spring. Men don't give a flying arse about fashion. If the jeans and shirt look attractive on you, we'll be interested. It really doesn't matter to us if the jeans are SO last season. Jewelry, hell, that's more likely to drive us away. That screams high-maintenance. so I ask you ladies, be easier on each other, and don't compete for useless shite so much. Guys, same thing. Just because the neighbor bought his wife a 1 karat diamond for Valentine's Day, doesn't mean you need to buy a 1-1/2. It means that you have to feel sorry for him, and the debt he's now living under, like a storm cloud. These damned posts never go quite as I plan them, but here we are, and I must stop myself before I continue what is already a car crash of a post.

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I am Jack's rant on Accomplishments so far in 2008

Feb. 12th, 2008 | 03:20 pm

What is your biggest accomplishment thus far in 2008?
My Greatest accomplishment thus far? I've yet to kill anybody out of rage.

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I am Jack's rant about the Superbowl

Feb. 4th, 2008 | 02:42 pm

Did you watch the Super Bowl last night? Who did you watch it with?
Events like the Superbowl is for sheep. The idea of watching two groups of men beat the living shite out of each other harkens back to our bloodier past. I cannot abide by shite like that. Why do we glorify people who don't have the brains to stay away from a situation where another man is going to try and knock you out? Did I watch the Superbowl? If I didn't, are you going to call me a faggot? say I'm not normal? Tell me that I'm not "cool", whatever the hell that means? I denounce this blood sport, and encourage all others to stop buying tickets, attending sporting events, and watching this crap on the telly. These people make way too much money playing the adult version of Hopscotch for me to take them seriously.

But yeah, I watched the Superbowl. Good game.

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I am Jack's rant on Martin Luther King Day

Jan. 18th, 2008 | 02:51 pm

People, will misunderstand this. I don't want anyone to get the impression that I personally agree with the view of what I'm about to say, rather know that I am pointing out what I feel politicians feel about this holiday. This observance of a great leader of the civil rights movement. How do those in power view their duty to this day...

This day was invented simply to appease a minority of the population.  Most people of power don't give a shit about Martin Luther King, or the civil rights movement. Not really. They see it a a day to do POLITICKING. They press the minority flesh, have lots of pictures taken in poor neighborhoods, and give speeches about Dr. Kings legacy, his hopes, and they say things that make it sound as if THEIR hopes are similar. They DO NOT care. I mean, maybe they care a little, in the way that the past seems abstract. But they don't really believe what they're saying on that day. If they did, they'd be saying every other day as well, and they'd be pushing for simpler laws on things like immigration, minority test scores, and funding to equalize schools or college opportunity. The system that's in place now is overly complex junk that often favors one race more than another. Some even allows for reverse discrimination, particularly college opportunities. These bloody people care only about saying what they need to say to keep themselves where they are at worst, or to rise higher at best. They are puppets that say whatever the lobbyist with the most money makes him say, with his hand up his ass, moving his mouth. Detour-> Don't look this way, look THAT way. Hoping for an alternative fueled car? You'll only get the alternative fuel that the lobbyists control, so you don't get electric, you get Hydrogen. You still have to pay for that to the same companies, and so everyone's happy. They talk of war heroes on Veteran's Day and Memorial Day. They speak of America The Great on the Fourth of July. they preach of "what the founders would want" on President's Day. And yes, they speak to minorities of supposed progress in civil rights on Martin Luther King Day. Hey, we'll even listen, desperate NOT to notice the arm coming out of your ass. Desperate to think that you really mean what you say. WANTING to believe that someone of power will someday make some needed changes. It will not happen, people. It'll be interesting to see what happens to this country if a woman or a black man gets elected into the White House. Will anything really change, I wonder? I'm not hopeful. This country was founded on high ideals, but those ideals are not met, even by most of it's populous. And politics is no different than any other commodity, in that they cater to the lowest common denominator. So the ignorant, fear ridden, cowardly people get the most attention, and we all suffer for it as a nation. Martin Luther King Day? It's just an opportunity. That's all. A time to act serious, and put on your big boy pants, and have your wardrobe be a delicate balance of casual, everyday guy, mixed with stylish importance. A tie says I'm serious, and powerful. No tie says I'm down to Earth, just like all of you. A suit jacket says I'm a man's man, and a sweater when speaking to the women's auxiliary says I'm a big teddy bear. My smile says I'm charming, and my frown says I'm serious about representing YOU. I frown at the "special interest groups". Those same groups that told me to frown at them, while proposing a bill that favors them. Martin Luther King Day? That's their time to put on a tie, put on a jacket, and put on their frown, and let you know that they are serious about minority rights, about education, about YOU.

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I am Jack's rant on energy drinks.

Jan. 11th, 2008 | 08:52 am

Can someone tell me why the best tasting energy drink is the one marketed to women? Why the HELL would they make Go Girl taste better than all others? Now I have to have my sexual orientation  questioned at work, just so I can bloody ENJOY the damned drink I'm ingesting? You bloody rotten bastards of industry! IF I want an energy drink, and IF I want to enjoy my energy drink, and IF I want to pay a decent price for it, then I have to carry a neon PINK can around with me to do it. Rot in Hell, you wankers.

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